The Blues When You're Trying To Conceive

I really want to feel happy and joy for them who just had their babies or who just found out they're pregnant, but really, I'm just human, I'm hurting. I've been waiting this long just be in their shoes. I've been trying many things to make it happened. But still coming empty.


Setiap denger kabar kelahiran atau kehamilan dari teman atau keluarga, berasa ditampar, sakit banget di hati, rasanya mau teriak... "When will my turn?" "Am I not worth to bear a child?" 

Suffering in silence, that's me. Orang-orang liatnya nothing's wrong with me, aku sehat, punya Suami terbaik sedunia (versi aku.. hehe), hidup berkecukupan, jalan sana-sini.. Yep, nothing's wrong with me! Itu penglihatan orang-orang... they don't know how broken I am inside.. and how desperately I am.. 

Aku sering tiba-tiba nangis sendiri, setiap abis liat foto-foto babynya temen-temen di IG atau Twitter dan sosmed lainnya. Setiap habis menghadiri ultah babynya temen, sampai di rumah pasti Aku mewek. Nangis sampai sesegukan, sampe Dear Hubby ikutan sedih, dia berusaha tegar dengan cuma nepuk-nepuk punggung Aku aja sambil bilang "Sabar yang ya, semua ada waktunya", pas Aku lihat, ternyata mata dia berkaca-kaca. "semakin sedih hatikuu.. Gusti Gusti.. Cobaanmu kali ini terasa berat sekali.. :(


"Aku hamil udah 1 bulan"
"Aku telat 2 minggu"
"Telah lahir ananda tercinta... bla bla bla"
"Aku besok lahiran, dateng ya!"


Kata-kata ajaib yang bisa bikin Aku nelangsa ga ketolongan setiap habis denger. 

Bad Parenting Offended Me

Hello beauty.. sekalian lama ga ngepost.. enjoying days being a home-maker.. hehe..

Posting kali ini aku mau bahas Bagaimana Tersinggungnya Aku dengan Bad Parenting.. Yup.. As I grow old and meet many people I realize.. "everybody can be a parent BUT no everybody can role as a parent"..

As a woman who struggle with infertility, I feel upset setiap kali melihat ada seorang anak yang disia-siakan sama orangtuanya.Jujur, sakitnya nancep ke hati. Mereka yang sudah dikarunia seorang anak kok bisa ga mensyukuri nikmat Tuhan itu? Sementara ratusan wanita di luar sana, berjuang sepenuh hati dan usaha mereka hanya untuk mendapatkan satu orang anak. Come on!!

I really against domestic abused, apapun bentuknya. Pengabaian kebutuhan anak juga bisa dibilang domestic abused. Orangtua yang dengan sadarnya tidak memenuhi kebutuhan anak adalah orangtua yang abusive.

Pernah nemuin seorang Mama yang males ngurusin anaknya sendiri. Jam makan si baby berantakan, sesuai sama laparnya perut si Mama aja. O GOD. 

Ada lagi, seorang Mama yang lebih senang habiskan waktunya di luar rumah sama teman-temannya ketimbang ngurusin anak di rumah. -_-!

I was like.. "ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING MEH? You are a mother! You're supposed to nurturing and mentoring your own child..".

I feel insulted! Offended! Why would God allow them to have a baby? This is insulting... -__-

"I don't care how old are you or what your circumstances are when you become a Mother, step the fuck off and PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST!"

What`s The Point Being A Stay At Home Wife When You Have No Kids?

Bored to Death Here

Right now 8.20 pm. Hubby still on the way home from office. Milan my Toy Poodle maybe playing by himself at his confinement. My little sister probably surfing the internet in her room. And I`m bored to death.

I`m starting to question myself, is this life that I wanted? being a house wife with no kids? what`s the point staying at home when you have no kids to takecare? This question often get me carried away until I sometimes cry alone.

I`m starting get used to people`s judging my role as stay at home wife. They can think and say anything, none of my business, I cant control other`s people brain anyway, just like they cant control mine. We`re even I guess. So, my big concern right now is my role as a Mother... When will I be? This longing is killing me..

I`ve thought about get back into work, but Hubby won`t let me. It`s a dead end. Confused.

Being a Stay at Home Wife is... (part II)

One of my dreams

I graduated and earned a bachelor degree. My GPA was 3.31 and I had intention to become financial independent woman. This was one of my dreams. I wanted to be independent so that I could taking care of my family.

I was work at property developer before I marry him. I found it interesting to have a job, being a part of a great community, excel my skills, have many friends, got my own money and spent it for them who I loved. I can tell, being able to work and earned money is challenging and fun. I also got honored by "Employee of the month" thingy.

I admit I loved my job, but --apparently-- I love being a wife/mom more than I love my job. So, somehow, in my hurtful-debate with folks and families --who expected me to stay work, and said I'm wasting my time being a SAHM/W-- my heart says it is the right thing, he is the right person and this is the right time.

Yep, I took the risks and go where my heart wanted to not what people expected me to. Besides, being married and built my own family is one of my dreams too.

Being a Stay at Home Wife is.... (Part I)

A Personal Choice!

When we get married, we decided how we are going to run our family. It is a commitment between us. Who's gonna makes money, who's gonna manage the households, who's gonna looking after the children, etc.

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My hubby is a conventional Japanese man, since we're in the early relationship he always got this pictured about a family where Husband go to work, a wife stay at home with their lovely kids. Deep down -despite my dream to achieve carrier- my heart wanted it too. But at that moment, the fear, the pain, still had me.

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I kinda lost the feeling of love. It was just a day-dreaming... Grew up with divorced parents, --you don`t really know how it feels to see your family falling apart--, living separated from mom and dad, It felt like my closest days to hell and I won`t end up like them. So I had this  ambition to forget about marriage. But.......... as I grew up and met this wonderful man, I changed my mind..
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Cause I ever promised myself, If I ever found a love and had a chance to build a family, I will never let my children and husband down. I will play my role as a wife and mom better by staying at home and watch my family's grow. Be there when they need me. Personally, I dont think I could be there for them if I go to 9-5 work --instead we had thought about me running my own business so that I'd have things to explore my passions yet have flexible time to play my role--

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When Everybody is Pregnant or Had Just Have Babies and We are Not

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I feel so isolated

when I came into my friend`s baby`s birthday or baby showers, I saw pregnant friends, I saw new born babies, I saw how they smiled while holding their babies. They`re talking about how to bathe their babies, they`re talking about buying baby stuffs together, etc... while I was stood there feels like all alone.. no baby.. no baby-bump yet... nothing to talk about.. just standing there alone and pretend like I`m okay while I died a litte inside..

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I feel so different

everytime someone asking me about how long I`ve been married? I`m started to feel uncomfortable, because I know their next question must be `do I have a baby yet?` and it such a great reminder of HOW DIFFERENT I AM compares to MOST WOMEN... and It hurts so much.. -___-

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I feel upset

At the end of the day all I feel the most is upset. Upset for not being trusted to carry a baby on my own yet! Upset for not being trusted to be a Mother! Because I know I would be a damn good Mother compares to some ungrateful moms out there. I feel Upset because I`ve done the best I could to live a healthy life, to take all those tests, but still coming empty. Sometimes at night I talked to God and question my worth before God..

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I feel hopeless

Days that turns into years, strength that turns into tears, positive thought that turns into emptiness and hopes that turns into broken hearts. I`m no angel, I have feelings, my patience have its limit, sometimes I feel so hopeless.. too hopeless even just simply to going to ObGyn.. too hopeless even just to talking about baby.. There are days when I want nothing..  and I`d cry a river when I hear a baby`s crying in TV.. Sounds great huh?

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Feeling Guilty

• feel guilty for spending all day at home doing nothing but watching CSI while snacking lays and enjoying a glass of Ice Milo, having a -lazy ass- day at my bed, while husband is somewhere out there, probably don`t have time to eat his lunch.

• when it comes to hubby`s birthday! I feel guilty because I bought him gift -practically- using money that he`s given me. Sometimes I wish I was earned my own money, so I could buy him gift without using his money.

• there is a time when the bills going crazy that`s when I practically feel guilty because there isn't anything financially that I can do to help.

• my father paid my college -in hoping- I could living-up my potential and contributing something good at large. By being a SAHW I often feel guilty for not fulfilling his will, mostly not fulfiling my other potential.